Struggling Really Hard with Withdrawal Symptoms After Relapsing

2021.12.03 00:19 dankestdevan Struggling Really Hard with Withdrawal Symptoms After Relapsing

Hey everyone,
Back in February of this year, I decided to quit smoking to study for a graduate exam after nearly a year and a half of smoking 5+ bowls a day every day. It was initially a struggle dealing with the withdrawal symptoms but I was able to stay away from weed by being occupied with studying for that exam. However, in May when the exam was over, I relapsed and relapsed hard. I got back into my same routine of going through nearly a half an ounce a week. Flash forward to about 2.5 weeks ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and recognized that I did not like the person I was becoming and did not want to stay chained down by a seemingly overpowering need to smoke. So I gave away all of my weed and glassware and have since quit smoking for good. I went into this process of quitting with the belief that because I had quit before, I could do it again. However, perhaps it's because I no longer have the distraction of studying for a difficult exam, but the withdrawal symptoms throughout these past weeks have been night and day worse than the first time I quit. I have been really struggling with random bursts of very bad anxiety with serious cravings to relapse and 1-2 day long bouts of rather severe depression. While I experienced this to some extent the first time I quit, these symptoms went away rather quickly the first time. I thought that at this point (2.5 weeks out) these symptoms would have subsided, but they are not seeming to go away. I am trying to remind myself that this is temporary, but words cannot express how painful this has been, especially in those bouts of severe depression. I have fortunately been able to go to therapy to help cope with some of this, but that only seems to do so much, and it seems my brain is just struggling to get back those feelings of reward and happiness without smoking. I was wondering if anyone else who has gone through this or knows of someone who has gone through this has any tips or any stories on how to keep pushing through and remain focused in not relapsing. My biggest fear is relapsing and then kicking this problem down the road and having to experience this nightmare from square 1. Thank you all so much.
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2021.12.03 00:19 Ka-Chow120 When taking a break feels like failure....

I (33M) am recently coming off another round of using the apps again. I recently went on three dates with a lady that I thought was going awesome. She ultimately came to the conclusion that she wasn't ready to date and was still struggling with her past divorce. It was one of those classic "it's not you it's me" cases. Having been absolutely crushed by hearing this, my emotional tank and self esteem are on empty.

Well taking a break from these abs sounds like it might be some thing I should do, I can't help but think that doing so would be a failure on my end. I've been going on tons of dates on and off for years but I can't seem to get past two or three dates with anyone. No matter what I do, it always ends up the same way and I feel like taking a break is just admitting defeat that I will never find someone. Because if you aren't putting yourself out there and trying, you're never going to meet anyone. So it becomes this strange catch 22.

It doesn't help that I've grown rather desperate at my age as I have never had a serious relationship in my life. I have Asperger syndrome so the stuff is naturally a little more difficult for me. I also spent most of my 20s in a professional band that did a lot of travel while also working full-time in the tech industry. I was gone so much with that band that I actually was unable to maintain any friendships outside of the people I was playing with so truly dating would not have been some thing that I could've dedicated the time to. I also did a lot of mental health treatment at that same time as I needed to learn how to deal with my emotional regulation and just how to handle some of my autism. Reddit has assured me over and over again that having no significant relationship experience at this age is a red flag. And I don't know how to necessarily undo that other than explain my situation.

Since all of the travel has stopped for that group, I have been hitting the apps as hard as I possibly can and going on as many days as I possibly can. I usually average about a date a week when I'm really trying and have no issue making conversation. Just for one reason or another, it's not a good fit or I get ghosted. Then I sit there and beat myself up as to what I did wrong for them to reject me this time. I will admit that my hair is starting to thin out and that I am 5' 5" which I realize both of those will dock you some serious points. I'm also not super fit but I'm definitely not obese.

I'm still able to get a fair amount of matches and start conversations, but I find myself literally just staring at my phone now waiting for matches to message me back and being terrified that they won't. I feel so pathetic that my life has gotten to this point. I work from home and my gigs have slowed way down so I have tons of downtime now to just sit at home and wait for something to happen. I sit and I wonder why people can't just get back to me in a timely fashion instead of sending a few messages every day. Maybe it's because I have so much free time it's no trouble to just message someone back. But I get caught in this weird mindset that everyone else should be able to just reply without delay as well.

The point of all of this is that I'm not sure what to do anymore. I probably need a break, but that's just kicking the can further down the road here. Hinge has started to recycle people that show up in my queue so clearly I'm starting to run out of people. And 33 and I feel like the best years of my life have vanished by without a partner and I have become just a left over in the dating pool that no one else has ever wanted and that will scare away everybody else. It's such a demoralizing and defeating reality that I have to accept I guess. I've watched my friends get married and have kids while I fret over if someone will even get back to me on a dating app let alone give me the opportunity to even ask them out. And then when I do go out, I can't even get them to see me a second time. I see a therapist weekly and am medicated and it does help. It helps me cope but it doesn't necessarily change my situation or fix the problem. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so alone, I feel like a failure, I feel like this will never change, and I feel like I've run out of options and time.
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